A little bird

In alien lands devoutly clinging
To age-old rites of Russian earth,
I let a captive bird go winging
To greet the radiant spring's rebirth.
My heart grew lighter then: why mutter
Against God's providence, and rage,
When I was free to set aflutter
But one poor captive from his cage!

A poem by Alexander Pushkin. I love these russian writers.

Some days ago I went to jibjab.com and watched many of their original videos. They're good, I laughed a lot about them.

But ... now I don't get their songs out of my head. There's always singing someone, Bush or Kerry or Obama. It sucks. The stuff even enters my thoughts when I want to pray. And recently I wanted to sing a praise song and started to sing one of the jib jab songs.

Ugh. Must get out of this soon.

10.12.2007
~

december morning
wakes
with cold feet
and lots of shabby
darkness around its
old head
and a prayer
coffee
and my cigarettes

december awake
a small book
poems
christmas a small
light
a small morning
for my mind

a computer game
against boredom's
flying too low
in the far distance
sunlight and
warmth

longing for june
but it stays
a december morning
knowing so well
the cold winter day
stays
for its precious time

So I have a kind of plan for the following 2 years of my life. In January I will probably go to a christian hospital, for at least 6 months or so, maybe even a whole year. Could also be shorter, depending on how well I function and how much help I get from God. That's primarily for all the damage in my soul, and for learning to live better with other people, and generally to get back to a more holistic living.

Then, if anything goes well, I'm gonna see where I want to live. My parents these days tell me to move into an apartment for the disabled, but I don't really want to because I feel I still have the potential to lead my own life. I mean, I would still like to find a girl some day. Get a job again, even if it's just part time. Travel a bit. Get a slice of living.

I would really LOVE to live in Berlin. I was on a short holiday there last year, and the city impressed me deeply. There's so much one can do there. So much to experience. And I think my chances are simply higher there to either find someone, or to have someone I found somewhere else to move to Berlin with me. It's a more interesting place.

I want to get my life in order. I live too much for the moment, too much without life experience that would really satiate me. I have this thirst for life. And I think Jesus wants to satiate me. I might fail. The illness might prove stronger. But if I don't put up a fight, it will only more certainly win. I must focus on what I can still get out of my life. Yes I must be more careful than other people and can't just jump in anymore. I must check the temperature first and take a cold shower. But that's like when someone has diabetes or something.

I would like to be able for once to be honestly a bit proud of myself. I mean, happy, that's enough. Gonna see how it will go.

Today I went shopping with my dad. It was really nice. It's a cool september day, but with sunshine and not too cold.

I didn't have that problem for a long time, but some years ago I was somehow fascinated with advertisement. It was a time when I did not take medicine for my schizophrenia, and that resulted in thinking that advertisements and such were signs from God. Recently I am a bit in a rush, my mom says I am absent-minded and God made me understand that I have to be careful. I don't want to fall into an episode again.

But God helps. For one, He has managed to prevent me from getting lost in a sense of self grandeur. Or enabled me to avoid that. Today in the supermarket He helped me spiritually to look at the products themselves, instead than on the package. We were in a row where they had herbs in glasses, cucumbers and such, and I looked at the actual food than on the glass and the labels and all. And God kinda made me see what that stuff is really like, that it's good for us, the fruits of the Earth are given to us by God, He wants to feed all of us and also that we can simply enjoy the taste of it. Which made me kinda happy and thankful, I hadn't had such sober and simple and good view of foodstuffs for a long time.

When I was in a hospital in the last year I had a vision where I saw a bowl full of vegetables which made me remember proverbs 15:17 which goes: "Better is a dish of vegetables where love is Than a fattened ox served with hatred." . Me and my dad have a bit of a weight problem and so this may also be about changing our habits of eating, along with all of us making more efforts at letting love reign, even though we already are a loving family. There certainly isn't any hatred, though we have arguments, but I concur with my mum that says this is a normal thing.

Usually my mum cooks but sometimes so do I, and I think it might be that God wants me to introduce some more healthy foods on our table. I did a gratin with aubergines some weeks ago and it was good, but it hasn't become a favourite.

Our favourite dishes are these:

- noodle soup with potatoes, served together with chicken wings
- Schnitzel (kind of a breaded steak) with potatoes and peas or asparagus or cauliflower or Brussels sprouts
- maccaroni with salami cubes cheese and ketchup or tomatoe or carbonara sauce
- spinach with scrambled eggs and potatoes
- Glitscher (chafed potatoes made into a dough and fried in a pan much like pancakes, served either sweet with apple puree or with mustard)
- Sour eggs - basically, that's boiled eggs in a sweet and sour thick sauce together with potatoes
- Königsberger Meatballs with potatoes in a sour sauce
- pork of beef roast with potatoes and usually Sauerkraut for the pork (yeah I am german) and beans for the beef
- mashed potatoes with fish filet or liver, and onions
- chicken goulash with peans and carrots in a cream sauce on rice
- spare ribs with a white cream sauce and carrots and potatoes
- pork goulash with red cabbage and usually dumplings or sometimes potatoes
- Bratwurst (fried sausage) with potatoes and Sauerkraut
- yeast dough dumplings with vanilla sauce and boiled plums
- lentil stew, bean stew with pork or mutton, mixed vegetable stew
- potatoes in their jacket with curd or pork in aspic or cream herring and butter, liver sausage, and radish salad

It's all not very healthy food, and I guess we rely way too much on potatoes. We also have pretty large portions of food when we eat. I don't think it's unhealthy food when compared to real junk food, but it does have quite some calories. I think I'm gonna have to get busy with cooking pages in the net and see that I can find and then do more healthy and yet tasty stuff.

Today something happened to me that I hadn't foreseen. I kinda saw that internet discussions aren't really fun, if I pursue them honestly, they mean work. I don't have much that I find fun these days. Having a car would be fun, or having a motorbike. I'm not very much in the mood to play computer games either. I need something that is more fun than that. Perhaps I'm gonna play some bass now. Or write a poem.

Boredom is a challenge to self-control, I think. It's a bit weird, no one likes to be bored but everyone, to some extent, gives in to it when it comes, at first at least.

Today I started to read an AWESOME book, The white rose by Inge Scholl. It's about a small group of german students in Munich who decided to resist the nazi regime at the time of the second world war. It was simply amazing. I even cried when I read this book. This is what I wanted, some kind of heroism AND christianity. And I was infused with spirit when I read this, or perhaps the demons were driven away for a while by the intensity, and my spirit came through again. I felt so close to God. Anything was so alit. I was at work when I read the book; on the weekend I always have a free hour inbetween the work time. It was wonderful.

Then when the nurses came and the old people I felt so gentle. Christianity is such an awesomely complete package. It's all there. I wish I had never discounted faith. I never realized its beauty. How could God not demand faith? Why did I always want reason instead? Because I trusted reason. It made me be in control. It allowed me to find the path of least resistance. I was reasonable, so I was good, somehow that's been my calculation.

My mother thinks I am getting another schizo episode, because I am a bit detached now from everything and enjoy it so much. So I'm gonna be a little bit careful. But I know that I must keep this alive somehow. It was like for a while I could really see again. I watched a show in the net, and I could really see ... it was like much of my previous life was only a stumbling in the darkness. Now I can understand other christians better when they talk of the spirit and of the need to follow Jesus. Now I can understand why God doesn't solve all menial kinds of problems. Maybe that's self explanatory, but I didn't quite get it before.

I'm gonna see where this leads. The demons are screeching. I can still see their faces but they look so insecure now. Hahaha. Screw them suckers. It wasn't working to work against them through reason. Reason they know, reason they can manipulate. But when you allow yourself to be moved, when God really grabs your heart, when your spirit and the Holy Spirit get in touch and God brings you back to life. No chance man. The demons can't do anything, try as they might. There only chance is in certain feelings and reason.

Yesterday I was in the cinema, together with Jens. His wife is on a long trip these days, so that meant we had some time to spend with each other alone, like before He married. It was nice.

I saw the movie Hancock. It wasn't bad, but I had expected some more of it. Still it was good entertainment that distracted me from my usual constant brooding. Jens watched that batman movie which I had shunned cuz I was afraid it might depress me.

After the movie was over I had to wait for Jens, for about an hour as his movie was that much longer than mine. Then I've felt something beckon, strongly, a feeling knocking at my door that has visited me sometimes. A deep, almost brutal desire to be brave, to run away to another life. To expect more from myself and this existence. I'm not certain what to make of this feeling. It never stayed for that long. And I've rarely been able to justify it. I think it has much to do with the movies I saw, the books I've read. I used to think it's an entry into a greater reality, but now I think it may be a strange confusion of some truth and some imagination coupled with a rage of the heart against all that opposes. I've tried to apply some faith - God understands even things like this, and like anything else this too pales before God's reality, before His authority and His love. In the back of my mind I have this thought that I should not do this, that I should despise anything that hinders me. But I don't follow this thought. God has become more important and more real to me, in the last days I have experienced much gentleness from him. And I've learnt to be suspicious about my feelings, relying more on the Spirit than on emotions.

Baba yetu, praise the Lord.

I discovered 2Pac last year when I was in a clinic for three months. I met a young turkish man there with whom I hung out all the time. He was a big fan of hip hop, and introduced me to 2pac. Really an amazing man. And His music is different to the hip hop stuff I knew. His lyrics breathe ghetto life, and in the same time it's usually optimistic and of a positive forcefulness. Particularly this song, and also another, "Changes".

Yesterday I was at church again. It's been a while, and I was pleasantly surprised. I still went off early though - I was wrestling with my thoughts and didn't have enough peace to stay.

Today in the afternoon I had a nightmare again when I napped for a bit. Actually, the first part of it was just an average dream, the nightmarish stuff came in the end, when I was about to wake up. I dreamt again that something bad is awaiting me, that I am stuck somewhere. This is an undercurrent I experience very often. It's really bad. I try to look at good things, and consciously I am not aware of anything that could doom me. Objectively, apart from my mental struggles, my life is really simple and nice. I don't need to work much, I have a good family, I have enough money, I have a few friends. It's just an emotional thing - despite being a christian, I feel lost. Despite having faith, I also fear. It's icky and ugly - and I do not understand it.

When I think about it and want to find out where it comes from, I remember the nightmares I had as a kid. They were also deeply irrational, I have no idea where they result from. I had a good family, I had friends, I had a nice life. Still I had these fucking nightmares. I think it has to do with demons somehow. It's my only explanation. I remember sitting in the bathtub and being deathly afraid of the drain. I saw some little being there, looking vaguely like a smurf, and it meant evil to me. An evil that does heinous things to you and then smiles. It's the same vibe as the demons of the devil you can see in the movie Passion of the Christ.

God is my help, but He often feels so distant to me. Which puts me into thoughts like I need to repent of something, I must have sinned somewhere, it's got to do with something I did bad. And that's never going somewhere. My mother blames it on my addiction to the computer. Honestly, if I didn't have my comp I wouldn't know what to do for most of my day. I have no car, so I can't get away from the village. I don't have much money so I can't go by bus or train either. One thing I could do would be giving up the smokes and saving the money for occasional trips. But blah .. that's what I think then, just let me have my comp and my games and I'll be fine.

I am sometimes so deathly afraid of God just being a slavemaster. I believe He is not, I know He is not, but still the fear lingers.

I would like to have a christian friend whom I could visit sometimes. The internet doesn't help that much in this regard.

Anyway, enough now. Thanks for reading my crap.

Since a few weeks I am often taking a nap in the afternoon. But it makes me feel bad when I wake up. Today I also had a kind of nightmare, I was stuck somewhere and couldn't move and had an awful feeling of lostness. Hated it.

Today's the birthday of my nephew Roger. He'll come by in the evening for dinner. Mom will make something nice. Chicken wings, raw meat salad, egg salat and some more. I'm sure it'll be awesome. Since a few days I have a very good appetite, particularly for hearty stuff like meat with spicy sauces, tomatoes with salt and pepper, corn bread, olives, etc. My mother bought a bunch of tomatoes from a gardener in the village, and they're much better than the supermarket tomatoes. They have an actual taste, you know. I was so reminded to my youth in the GDR when we had such good tomatoes every summer. Now my dad doesn't raise many vegetables in the garden anymore, except for beans, some berries and some herbs. I almost have a desire to bother with gardening myself. I'm not much for flowers but I'd love to raise tomatoes again. And I've always wanted to make my own ketchup again. I did that once, again in GDR times, and man, the stuff was delicious. Made it with wine and fresh spices.

Today I was out eating with my parents. We were at the greek restaurant in Brand-Erbisdorf. I really like the greek cuisine, particularly their salads. But I had baked gyros with cheese and tomatoe rice. The sauce was delicious, made of Metaxa spirit. My mother had the same and my dad had steaks baked with ananas and cheese, with potatoes. It was really nice, if a little expensive.

The weather's good too, warm without being too hot. It's a very lit day. There isn't the scorching heat of July, the sun is gentle, and the sky isn't just blue but has many white clouds. I really like it that way.

I am working on my anxiety, telling myself all the time that I have nothing to fear, that anything is well. For the moment, it's working, but I have to keep being watchful.

14.8.2008
~

Mein Väterchen ist schon alt
und ich hab ihn immer noch gerne
er kam nie zu mir in Gewalt
wollte nur daß ich lerne

Im Leben gern auch die Arbeit zu sehn
wenn das Essen auch schmeckt
wenn die Frauen auch schön sind
bestimmte Teile der Wahrheit zu sehn
wenn's auch aneckt
schon als Kind

Mein Väterchen liebt das was lebt
und schlachtet doch auch seine Hasen
wie alles was strebt
zerbricht er auch Vasen

Doch sein Herz hat goldene Flecke
und seine Hand einen grünen Daumen
ich geh fort und lauf um die Ecke
in meiner Hand seines Gartens Pflaumen

Ich bin sein Sohn aber sein Werk nicht ganz
ich lief meistens zu gerne davon
doch er hat seinen Ehrenkranz
denn ich noch nicht gewonn'

Today I was in Dresden, our region's capital. It was really really good. It wasn't amazing or anything, I just met with an old friend and went to the zoo, but so nothing really special, but I liked being on my own and having a little money and just breathing city air again. I guess some time ago in the 19th century city air was actually cleaner than country air, at least in the summer when the farmers manure the fields.

I had a little trouble with Wolfgang, my friend. At first it was good, we had lunch in a cafe and talked and were in a good mood, but later in the zoo Wolfgang got bored and started to complain. It was very hot and I oftentimes sat down and didn't want to stand around and Wolfgang didn't like it. He didn't like it either that I smoked so much. I know, I really smoke a lot, but I don't feel like changing much about it these days. At least I don't like being critisized for it. Even when Wolfgang actually is right.

I'm gonna make another trip to a city in September. Alone, this time. Not to see anything, just to hang around in pubs and cafes, with a book and my ciggies, like I used to do earlier in my life when I still lived in Dresden.

I have started to write poetry again which I didn't do for some weeks. I still have trouble writing good poetry about my faith. It's hard to write good poetry about God and spiritual things, without sounding too sober, too kitschy, too bombastic, etc. And I yet have to read a poem of faith that really got my attention. Not even Rilke inspired me that much, and I think he's the best in christian poetry. I got a book from Gabriela Mistral earlier this year, and I don't like her that much either. Ironically, my currently favourite poet is still Pablo Neruda, an atheist communist. I know it well, in great parts of my being there is still a communist lurking around. I got involved too early, as a kid already, and can't shake many communist or at least humanist notions. This gives me trouble often. I just like humanism too much.

I wonder how much I can individualize my christian faith. I mean, how far am I expected to believe like any other christian. There is a certain call for unity in my faith. And some day I have to give an account of my life to God. I don't think He expects me to perform great deeds, but I do believe it is possible that I might be held accountable for shunning back from complete devotion to God as it is presented to me by conservative christianity. I don't talk much about it, but this is a fear that is rather strong in my life. And it's something about no one can really counsel me, at least it seems like that. Non-christian counsel can't help at all, because I simply have other priorities now, than humanists. And christian counsel ... well, part of me is a coward that doesn't want to be challenged into living the christian life according to evangelical fundamentals. I sometimes feel so scared about certain christians. An example might be gtrnvox from christianity. He's fundamentalistic, and very much so. He believes doctrines like those of eternal torment have their point in making us humble, in teaching us the love for the truth that saves. This really is a hot coal for me. Thing is, I do not want to get detached from issues like that, finding some emotional comfort about it, because the matter so grave that I urgently want to see it solved. I can't imagine leading my life with such beliefs. I do not want to rebel against God at all, that's one reason why I embrace UR. But it's not easy to live in reverence when part of your moral being just cannot accept a cruelity like (traditional) ET (eternal torment doctrine). In the same time, people like gtrnvox tell me my struggle about these things is with the Maker Himself. Whatever, I largely reject this teaching and still find myself in God's love very evidently, so I don't care much about it. I do have splinters of uncertainty and fear about it in me, but as long as I don't dig in these wounds I am fine.

Another thing of note that happened in the last days is that I found Indira's brainstorming blog. FYI, Indira was once a love of mine, really big and deep, but I also got my schizophrenia in the times of my contact with her. And from today's perspective, I understand that my whole fascination with her was a little nuts. In the past days though I read her blog and thought again she's writing about me, partially. Now this could be the schizo again, but I don't know for sure, which drives me into endless thinking about it. Thing is, I can't simply ask her, she's very egocentric and loves her freedom and she never answers emails. So because of this, I think it's better if I don't put such importance on her and let go. Today I practiced this in Dresden and it worked. I reviewed my attachment to Indira rationally, and found myself, in the now, rational enough not to pursue the old attachment again. Better to stay reserved about it.

All for now, thanks for reading.

10.8.2008
~

lebt all mein sein aus stillen träumen?
die vor dem leben an der reihe sind?
wird hinter all den vielen bäumen,
meiner wahrheit, auch mein herz nun blind?
wo alles wirbelnd mir so schnell enteilt
und mir nur bleiben kleine lichter
in denen ängstlich meine seele weilt
und mir bedeutet ich sei ein dichter
der allen mut auf wörter muß beschränken
die ahnungsvoll sich nach dem wahren winden
und an den flüssen starke rinder tränken
so will ich doch das leben empfinden
das ufer kennt doch auch die hellste ferne
der ozeane ohne inseln ohne nahes land
wo ich allein im wasser dann doch alles lerne
was ich am menschen sonst verkannt
ein wollen zum licht am abgrund entlang
ein lieben zum tode ans leben gewöhnt
folgt ihr fluß einem verschlungenen gang
der geburt in der unsre mutter stöhnt
wie alle schöpfung heimlich leidet
und wie die erde ihr feuer nicht bergen kann
wenn aus den vulkanen das feuer schreitet
und alles schreit, wann endlich, wann?
kommt die zeit des jubels in allen
nach der nacht in der höhle der tränen
wenn dann unsre seelen wie meere wallen
und sich aneinander die menschen lehnen
und die herzen rufen nach Ihm in den himmeln
wenn wie eis im frühling die lügen zerschmelzen
und auf hübschen und starken schimmeln
zu uns die engelsheere sich wälzen
und der baum sich freut und das gras
das kind in den straßen tanzt und die alten lachen
und der mönch der grad noch in der bibel las
hinausgeht um mit allen zu erwachen
in eine ewigkeit die von Ihm uns zufließt
unsre durstigen herzen mit liebe tränkt
und der alte böse der uns sonst erschießt
sich dann doch in seiner eignen grube fängt

kenn ich den traum noch und das suchende sehnen?
kann ich dich noch finden im taumelnden land?
oder wirst du nie meinen namen erwähnen
den ich in deiner liebe fand?
wenn auch alles vergeht im trubel der zeiten
zuckt doch in dir und mir noch ein wahres herz
hoff ich auch ohne dich auf ewigkeiten
ist deine schärfe doch noch immer mein schmerz
vergeht mir die säure deines blicks
und kann ich im glauben mich doch mal erheben
zerbricht mir die schwere meines geschicks
und in einem seufzer verdampf ich ins leben!

Today didn't go very well. I feel so nervous and uneasy. If only I weren't such a slave when it comes to my emotions. I got a bit better at it and I find myself much less prone to despair than earlier in my life. But still I lack sovereignity about myself.

There's been a christian I talked to sometimes when I was in hospital in May and June. He related to me how normally a christian is supposed to be in control over their soul. The Holy Spirit is a spirit of self-control - so when I have this spirit I am supposed to be able to remain in charge of myself, so that my thoughts and emotions no more contradict the life I need to live as a christian.

But today I'm really mournful. Anything comes together, immense heat, pains in my body, hearing voices, being unable to think clearly, etc. It's not easy. I was trying to take refuge in reading my bible, and I got some solaces from reading the accounts of the good types of jewish kings. I love to read it when they burn idols and destroy sacrificial heights (sp?), and all of that kind of stuff. I wish it would be as easy in my case. I wish I had an ability to call some sort of spiritual police to get delivered from these demons. Sometimes they seem to be careful, hinting at being afraid, but I never have complete peace. That is, two days ago I had what seemed like an hour of total health, but it wasn't lasting. Still it was nice to feel ok, if only for a while. I prayed and was happy. I gave thanks and meant it. I thought of the Lord and had real joy. I think this is what other christians have all the time, but I only have it rarely.

What really helps is UR. Anytime I really start to drown I remember it, and then I find trus in Jesus again.

In the past I tried to read all of the bible, including the threats and the depressing stuff. I felt like I have to understand that too. But well, there really isn't that much to understand - you sin, you get punished or at least have to bear the consequences. It gets difficult if I say to myself, well Daniel, don't sin, and anything will be alright, God takes care of the rest if you have even just faith as small as a mustard seed. But that's the point where these friggin demons come in. They prevent me from taking a reasoned approach, when I want to make careful steps in the right directions to get out of the morass. I know this may sound silly to modern people who think psychology is the answer to everything, but really, it isn't. In fact, psychology only does me harm. I've been trying to analyze myself, but only get bad results. I trust in God, in Jesus, and in those I love. Jelena had been able quite well to know how I feel, and she told me, and then I knew too and things got easier. My mother sometimes has such moments of empathy too. But they are rare, generally.

One thing which did help me was understanding that I still have motivations and habits in me of which I am not very conscious. I usually bred them in my youth somewhere. For example, I recently understood how I am often trying to deepen my experience, in a habitual way. This comes from a time during which life felt bleak to me, and I wanted to deepen everything, so that I would be able again to sense mystery, meaning and my destiny. But now this doesn't quite serve a good purpose anymore. With God I have everything I really need, and don't need beefed up experiences to remind me of that. It's enough to believe and to have the resultant joy, and the security coming from dwelling in love with God. Security, security ... safety. This is what I think I should be after. But I know that as soon as I feel well again, I might say to myself let's go and have some fun to get a kick.

Ok, this day has been teh suck. But I will have better days. And this friggin heat will be over soon, I hope.

I think that's an even better song of Everything But The Girl. I hadn't known they also did non-electronic music.

I was looking for an old song at youtube today, "Missing", from Everything But The Girl. Found it, and also some other songs from them. I really liked this one.

Since for a while, I really enjoy electronica music.